The battle of the sexes

„Everything in the world is about sex except sex. Sex is about power”

Oscar Wilde

In the following we will have a closer look at our sexual behavior (i.e. our sexual strategies) and common sexual fantasies. The purpose of this (rather long) chapter is to show with an example, how competition has shaped our mind.

Human sexual behavior is relatively easy to study: it has been described in great detail on countless porn websites. It is rewarding to do this, because it makes sense to assume that other parts of our behavior are shaped by our competitive history in a similar way.

Note that it is not clear to which extent the discussed sexual behaviors are really genetically determined. There are most probably also strong cultural and individual psychological influences (we observe large differences in behavior between individuals). But it seems reasonable to assume that the genes at least constitute a predisposition for the described behaviors. Why this? Because the assumption leads to a very compact and consistent explanation of the observed extremely diverse and complex behaviors.

Most probably the spectrum of our sexual behavior is also crippled and deformed by our moral views and our current culture regarding the relationship of the sexes (e.g. the currently predominant patriarchy). E.g. dominant/aggressive female strategies are probably underrepresented in the following discussion.

I will also give first hints about how the gained insights could be used to improve the relationship between the sexes and reduce conflicts.

The ideas presented in this chapter are very speculative. Evolutionary psychology is a notoriously difficult field where it is often impossible to prove a theory, and I am not even an expert in this field. But I think in their sum the arguments show that the general way of thinking is probably correct. This is enough for our needs. For the sake of readability, I present all the theories in the following as facts (without the many necessary „could“, „maybe“ and „might“).

Also note that all the described processes are subconscious. People, of course, don’t think in the way described below before having sex, they just have a particular desire or fantasy and don’t know why they have it. The processes also mix and interact such that the observed spectrum of behaviors is extremely diverse.

Some parts of this chapter can only be understood by remembering that our history goes back millions of years and that our ancestors at some point in time were primitive mammals. Our brains still show structures which are very similar to those of much more primitive animals.

Another important goal of this chapter is to show that people are innocent for having strange or potentially harming sexual fantasies and desires. They are just a result of our long competitive history and actually very common. So this part is also about learning to forgive. Note that many of the "evils" discussed below can actually be enjoyed without harming anybody (i.e. oral sex). And we will see later how our more dangerous desires could be enjoyed safely as well. It also becomes clear why women and men could fit so well together sexually. It is often our feeling of shame which prevents us from having truly satisfying sex.

Be warned: this chapter is emotionally a difficult read. But keep in mind that unearthing these facts is the only way to tame them (i.e. turn them into something good, and later even have some harmless fun with them).

Rape

Rape can be a very efficient method for a man to spread his genes. Especially in times of war, there are men who manage to impregnate dozens of women. This is why rape is a very common sexual fantasy among men (as we will see soon, it is much more complex). A majority of male college students state that they would rape women if they could do this without risking punishment.
 But, maybe more interesting, why is rape such a common sexual fantasy among women? The reason is not that they want to get raped or just love to be „overwhelmed by male desire“ (this is the preferred explanation for the phenomenon today). Rape is a disaster for women and no woman wants this to happen to her. The reason for these fantasies is much darker: they „want“ to have children with a capable rapist. The sexual fantasy makes them feel attracted to men who have a stronger tendency to rape. This makes sense, as they subconsciously try to create effective offspring. Effective means, their sons should implement effective strategies, and to be able to rape is sure one of them. This is a very common pattern, and we will stumble over this several times in the following. If we call the desire for rape in men a „perversion“ (a word I will always use in the following for „sexual strategy“), we will call the corresponding desire in the other sex the „adjoint perversion“. Interestingly the adjoint perversion is always a strange attraction to something which can harm. Note that we will discuss „higher order“ strategies in detail („the adjoint perversion of the adjoint perversion“). They must exist (the adjoint perversion is just another sexual strategy like the original perversion) and they add even more complexity to the game. They are important because they implement more advanced (and therefore superior and even more attractive) behaviors in the sexual arms race. The adjoint perversion of the female rape fantasy is the male fantasy about women who have rape fantasies (which is very close to the initial male rape fantasy).

What does this sentence „they want to have children with a capable rapist“ exactly mean? Let’s have a look at the details in this case: Let’s assume a woman has a tendency to prefer men which commit rapes. This tendency could be the result of a coincidental mutation. The sons from her relationships with these men will then also have a stronger tendency to rape (inheritance). If rape now is indeed an efficient strategy, these sons will have further offspring (including daughters) with a higher probability compared to „normal“ men. The daughters inherit this preference from the grandmother. This means that the fraction of women with a preference for men who like to rape increases in the future population. This is how the preference can become a frequent feature in the population.

The promise of rape is the subconscious reason why men join armies. Some hundreds of years ago many men did not have the means to found a family: the oldest son inherited the farm, the others got nothing. Their only chance to have sex and reproduce was often to join an army. The surplus in men was consumed in wars. In our time, soldiers don’t get a chance to rape anymore because they are sitting in a climatized room in their home countries (or in a submarine) from where they control war drones or nuclear missiles.

Now we can see a great opportunity: what would happen if women and men could satisfy their adjoint rape perversions without guilt (i.e. in „rape play“)? I believe it would reduce the incidence of real rape dramatically. How would this influence the attractiveness of war for men? We know that such sexual fantasies cannot be eliminated because they ultimately have a genetic cause. But as we will see, it it is possible to turn them into something positive and improve the relationship between the sexes.

Sexism / Objectification of women

While women have to select their breeding partners very carefully, this is not necessarily the case for men. For a man, impregnating a woman comes at a very low cost. Therefore he can try a „shotgun“ strategy, where he tries to make many children without taking care of them. Of course the opportunity for this behavior is rare (e.g. war), but when it is available the strategy is effective. From the perspective of this strategy it does not matter which kind of woman is impregnated. Every specimen is worth a few minutes of investment. This means from this perspective (!) women are just wombs, a pure form of the female principle, their information aspects (genes and culture) do not matter. Again, as this is sexually effective behavior, women are attracted to men who objectify women. But they have to make sure their partner does not objectify them, as they don’t want to become a victim of this strategy (i.e. the man does not care for his child). Many women get aroused from objectifying porn (adjoint perversion), but most insist in having partners who love them.

Desiring young

The „teen“ section is one of the most popular genres in porn, where the age of the porn actresses is always close to the legal limit. Some scientists say that the reason for this is, that young women can have more children in the rest of their life (and have a higher probability of getting pregnant from sex) which makes them more attractive. But again, the true reason is much darker. Imagine the following situation: you go to the village market to buy some vegetables. There are two market women: one is old and very experienced and known to be good at cheating with the scale. Sometimes she gives the wrong change back, but never in your favor. She is also known to sell the oldest vegetable first. Then there is also a young girl. She is for the first time on the market and can barely handle the scale and is poor at counting the money. Where would you prefer to buy your vegetables?

The truth is: men prefer young women simply because they are weak adversaries. They are easy to fool: you can tell them that you love them and they believe it easily. And they are easy to rape if the conditions are favorable. Most men desire women as soon as they are visibly sexually mature (which is quite early). But why then are women so early sexually mature? Why did nature not protect them by letting them acquire experience first? The reason is that in our past women (and men) often died very early from diseases and violence. There was very little time to waste. There were often cultural factors which protected most girls from very early pregnancy. This could be for instance rules forbidding a too early marriage. But of course this culture could break down anytime (in wartime for instance) and in this case it was, from natures cruel perspective, justified to try to have a child immediately (e.g. from rape), as conditions were bad and there would be maybe no second chance later.

To be precise, men are not really looking for young age but rather for the naivity (which of course is often present in the young). Young age is not really preferable because young women die more often in childbirth and are far less capable of raising kids than older women. If you look at (especially Japanese) cartoon porn, where men can draw their ideal of a women, you will see girls with big breast and the big eyes of children. This is the true ideal: women with a mature body but a child’s mind. But note that the women are not depicted as stupid: men don‘t want stupid offspring. This makes naivity highly desirable for men. Women subconsciously know this and fake naivity whenever they can to increase their attractiveness. This is a problem for women in the professional world. To be attractive for men, women often subconsciously play the naive which does not make a very good impression to others in the office. Or in other words, women have to hide their knowledge to be sexually attractive. For men the contrary is true. Women also very often try to appear younger than they are, shave their pubic hair to look like young girls, use makeup which makes their eyes appear abnormally large (like children). Also they diet and go to the gym to get a slim build which reminds of the body of adolescent girls who are still in growth. They wear high heeled shoes to make their legs look slim and tall like the too long legs of girls in growth. It’s no coincidence that some men call pretty women „babes“.

Men feel also attracted to women who are good at faking naivity (and, as a genetic predisposition for this skill can be passed on to daughters, makes sense independent of the age of the woman). This is an adjoint perversion. Now we understand why men sometimes ask grown up prostitutes to behave like a teenage girl. It is not because they are stupid and make themselves believe that she is really young. It is because of the attraction due to the adjoint perversion [1]. Note that this strategy is harmless but somehow very closely related to the original perversion (men’s desires for naive / young girls). As it is more recent, more advanced strategy, it can make grown up women even more desirable than young / naive girls. It can, in a sense, act as a powerful surrogate for the original perversion.

Again, satisfying our adjoint perversions (i.e. „age play“) could dramatically reduce child abuse.

Unequal sexual education for girls and boys

It is clear now why a morality which favors only a minimal sexual education for girls is often preferred by parents: As naivity increases a girls attractiveness it will be easier to find a match for her. Men assume that sexually uneducated ("innocent") girls are easier to control (i.e. to force into an exclusive sexual relationship) [2].

Men who fake love

Women need to be sure that the man they have sex with is enough interested in them to contribute to childcare later. Therefore they often require men to be in love with them.
Now the strategy of faking this love is, together with the rape strategy, the only means for a man to increase its reproductive potential beyond only a few kids from a single woman. This is why women have developed strong defenses against this common male strategy: as they must be able to tell serious lover from „fuckboy“ already at young age, they have evolved to have a faster social development than men and their emotional and intuitive intelligence are often higher.

Sadism

Why do some men enjoy to inflict pain to women in a sexual context? The reason has to do with the experience of childbirth. When a man impregnates the woman he loves, he is actually inflicting great pain on her. But it would be very bad (from natures perspective) if the man would, after witnessing childbirth, not impregnate her again because he loves her. Men must have, to be able to impregnate women again and again, a certain unconscious pleasure from female pain. This is a very specific mechanism to counteract mercy which serves a purpose. Again there is the adjoint perversion of female masochism. Women, to some extent prefer men who have these urges. This is also the reason why in many cultures childbirth is exclusively the realm of women and men are not allowed to be present.

Sexually motivated murdering of women by men

The argumentation is very similar to the previous sadism: because some time ago so many women died in childbed, men must have a certain drive which makes them impregnate women again even if a loved woman has died from pregnancy. Some time ago to impregnate a woman meant killing her with a quite high probability. Sexuality is very destructive for women, but not for men (for men, the path to sexuality is often destructive). This is reflected in the male sexuality. Men also try to exert control over women to force them to have exclusive sexual relationships. To achieve this it is an efficient strategy to threaten women with violence. Again there is the adjoint perversion: some women, for instance, like to be choked while having sex.

Men who like to humiliate women

This again is a fantasy of control (see above). The more a man can make a woman do things she does not like to do, the higher is the control he is exerting over the woman.

Sexual slavery

Sexual slavery was very common in the past, simply because slavery was common. It is probably one of the strongest male fantasies: to have power over a large number of women and to be able to have limitless sex with them. It is also a common female fantasy: to live under the power of powerful men who impregnate them again and again. The male fantasy frees the man from all the efforts to get sex from women. The female counterpart frees the woman from worrying about finding the right partner (the men are powerful!) and from worrying about the resources to feed / take care of her numerous offspring (the men are also very rich!). Both versions are ultimate fantasies of reproductive limitlessness.

The male version is maybe the reason so many men from Europe joined some terrorist groups. The female version (adjoint perversion) is maybe the reason why so many women from Europe joined the same terrorist groups.

General exploitation of women

In a family, only the child carries the genes of the father, the mother is genetically different. Therefore men developed a general tendency to exploit their women for the benefit of the offspring. This is connected to the destructiveness of sexuality for women. The adjoint perversion is women’s attraction to men who exploit them (submissiveness). The second order adjoint is the male preference for submissive women.

Parents investing more resources into sons than into daughters

The biological reason for this behavior are fundamental differences in the reproductive potential of women and men:

• Women have a very limited reproductive potential (max. maybe a dozen kids). But it is easy to realize (before the invention of birth control, very few women did not have kids).
• Men have a very high reproductive potential (almost unlimited), but it is very difficult to realize due to strong competition between males.

It makes therefore biologically sense for parents to invest their resources into the education of their sons: they have only a chance to reproduce if they are fitter than other men. This is not the case for the daughters. It is not clear if this behavior is a product of an evolution of culture or if there is even a genetical predisposition.

The strategy is not promising anymore in a modern society but is still practiced.

Prostitution

Prostitution must have been very common in ancient times (in many parts of the world it still is). Among our ancestors there must be tens of thousands of prostitutes. Of course men pay for sex because they seek a small chance to impregnate the prostitute (in modern times this chance has, thanks to birth control, dropped to almost zero, but the urge is old and still present). The prostitute in return gets resources which she needs to raise a child. This kind of business probably exists since the times when we were living on trees (the „sex against banana“ behavior can be observed in primates).

Men prefer skilled prostitutes. A skilled prostitute is one which is good at cheating men (see „oral sex“ and „anal sex“). The reason is again that men hope to produce girls skilled in prostitution. Some men even get aroused from having to give a prostitute money without getting any physical contact in return („money slave“). This is the most extreme form of the adjoint perversion.

Adultery (and the cuckold fetish)

This is also a very effective sexual strategy. Women promise one man sexual exclusivity but still have sex with other men to gain additional resources or have sex with other interesting men (which are maybe not so interested in taking care of her kids). Other reasons might be to avoid infanticide by other men (they cannot be sure if the kids are maybe from them) or to get additional male support in raising the kids.

Adultery is the reason we are ashamed to have sex in public: women try to hide with whom they had sex so they can have „exclusive“ sex with several men. Men are also ashamed because this is the adjoint perversion [3].

Of course there is an adjoint perversion of female adultery, the „cuckold fetish“: some men get sexually aroused witnessing their partner cheating them with another man.

Incest

Our desires in general do not let our offspring appear as sexually attractive to us: it negates the idea of sex as mixing genes with somebody who is genetically different from us. Incest also produces often children with genetic diseases. But this depends on the conditions: if a man (or a woman) has no other possibility to reproduce, this path will be chosen nonetheless. Not being able to reproduce is, in the eyes of nature, the worst possible outcome of a life, because in this case the genes are lost completely. Accordingly incest is a strong sexual fantasy for both men and women (and as a result a popular porn theme).

Oral and anal sex

Oral („blowjob“) and anal sex are strategies to avoid impregnation (typically in a prostitution context). The dumb male was offered a warm wet opening, but of course without any chance for impregnation. The pleasure to receive oral sex is the adjoint perversion. Men tend to think that they are dominant when getting a „blowjob“ when in fact the woman cheats them. Why this obsession with getting cheated then? Of course to have a chance to become father of a girl who knows how to cheat.

Why does evolution not render such perversions ineffective quickly? It could make men detect and avoid such strategies quite easily. The answer is the adjoint perversion: they also like them, therefore they try to avoid them only selectively (i.e. they avoid to marry a „whore“ who likes oral sex, but go to a prostitute which offers this). More about this later.

Cunnilingus works differently. This is a male strategy to detect the fertility status of a woman (from a time when our animal ancestors had better noses). The female adjoint perversion is the desire to receive cunnilingus.

Homosexuality

Homosexuality is, like any other sexual behavior, too a product of reproductive frustration (in the sense defined earlier!). The goal is actually the much more common bisexuality while the rare strictly exclusive homosexuality is rather a byproduct (note that, as homosexuality is culturally heavily suppressed, bisexual men often avoid homosexual behavior which makes their number appear much smaller than it really is). What is the advantage of bisexuality? It selectively moderates the sexual drive to avoid bad matches. Bisexuality is very common among women. They have often no adequate partners available (they have to be very selective, as the cost of raising children is very high). In this case homosexual behavior offers them an „overpressure valve“ for their sexual drive. Lesbian porn is among the most common categories watched by women. The same is true for men, but to a lesser extent: homosexuality allows them to refuse sex with women if they demand excessive resources in return (or in any other case where the price of sex with a woman is too high). It could for instance make men avoid too risky rape attempts. Homosexuality is the trade union of sex: The possibility not to absolutely need to mate with the other sex (i.e. „strike“) is an important advantage.
If you are a bi- or homosexual man, you might say now that you don't have sex with men because there are no women available. You do it because you like it. But this is the proximate cause. The ultimate cause (which is the evolutinary reason why you like it) is the mechanism described above. We see that homosexual behavior does make sense as an efficient sexual strategy (contrary to popular beliefs) and is therefore as normal as any other sexual behavior. But it is a result of the sexuality between man and woman nonetheless. It serves its (important) role in the game of reproduction. This is why in homosexual relationships we often observe a division into roles which resemble the roles of man and woman.

„Watersports“

The reason why some of us enjoy to taste the urine of our sex partners comes from a I time when our ancestors still had a very good nose. It allows to test the urine for chemicals which we usually try to hide. For instance from male urine the concentration of stress hormones can be determined which indicates which rank in the hierarchy the male has. From the female urine the fertility status of the woman can be determined by measuring certain hormones. Women try to hide their fertility status carefully (of course again not consciously), because it allows them to run the business of prostitution (in different variants) all the time (otherwise they would be limited to the fertile time window).
Men think that they humiliate women in „watersports“ when the true reason is that the woman is trying to get an advantage. And some of us embrace it because it allows them to produce skilled „cheater girls“. Therefore enjoying to urinate in a woman‘s mouth is an adjoint perversion (possibly combined with a control fantasy).
We see that sexual strategies can become useless artifacts over time, kept alive by their adjoint perversion.

Why men and women could fit so well together sexually

Of course this is because of the phenomenon of the adjoint perversions. This is why, for instance, „female friendly“ porn makes little sense and is much less popular among women than the stuff made mostly for men. Many women also get aroused - for instance - by the sexual aggressivity of men, because they subconsciously would like to have equally aggressive sons from these men. Fortunately female and male sexual desire can fit together very well.
Women watch less porn because the material is not „pervert“ (in the sense of strategically interesting) enough. Women, because they have only the option to choose partners very carefully, need to feel a well matching and sophisticated sexual strategy to get aroused (see also „SEXISM“). Men on the other hand prefer this too but are also satisfied with just a (any) female body. This is why more men are sufficiently satisfied with today’s poor quality porn.
 Women on the other hand watch a lot of lesbian porn movies also because here no strategy (which would need a story to be told) is required: in their lesbian desire women can objectify other women too (in the same way men usually do). Why? Because if there is no offspring anyway, it does not matter much who the partner is.

We see that, if we assume that competition has shaped our mind, our complex spectrum of sexual behavior suddenly seems to be quite easy to explain. This is again hard to accept, since it means that the purpose of our sexual behavior is actually to outsmart our partners. It goes against the notion that man and woman are made to make each other happy (and explains why so many people are unhappy in their relationships). We will see later how accepting ourselves in this way can help us to become happy with our partners again.

What can we learn from the analysis in this chapter?

• From the examples [2] and [3] we see that morality is a product of evolution too. And contrary to popular belief its purpose is not to be fair to others (even if it might have this effect in certain cases). The purpose of morality is to give a competitive advantage over other humans. The assumption that an increased enforcement of morality will save us is dangerously wrong.
• We are far more interested in the potential to do evil of our partners (e.g. adjoint perversions) than in actually doing evil ourselves (see example [1]). This is generally true also for evils not related to sexuality. In fact we have a very strong inhibition to do evil because to do so could get us expelled from our community (which is essential for survival). Cooperation is the default mode, evil is reserved for very rare occasions.
• Individuals are attracted to very different sexual behaviors. This can be explained by the attempt to find a strategic niche in the sexual battlefield. This too can be generalized: the fact that others show evil behavior you are not interested in, does not mean that you are a better person. Your strategies to defeat others might be simply more subtle or maybe you successfully manage to delegate risky evil behavior to others (like your police or your army!).
• I believe that you, after reading this chapter, feel more compassionate for the other sex. You understand now that most behaviors are rooted in our evolutionary history and are therefore practiced unconsciously. This is true in general: the better you understand yourself, the more compassionate you become. This mechanism will be, in a generalized form, an essential tool to build the cooperative society.