The reconciliation of the sexes
“A gentleman holds my hand. A man pulls my hair. A soulmate will do both.”
Alessandra Torre
Life is the result of millions of years of self replication under the presence of limitation. Therefore, to reproduce over many future generations is the ultimate goal of any living organism. This means, we are in a way sexually immensely frustrated without being aware of it. We would love to create lots and lots of quality offspring, but because of the limited availability of matter and energy (which manifests itself in the very limited availability of female wombs) we cannot. Note that this is equally true for women. But women are forced to wait for good opportunities to have sex as for them the cost of sex is very high (raising a child is a huge investment). They are the ones who have to implement limitation in their behavior. Men on the other hand, can have sex with many women at very low cost. They produce millions of sperm cells every day and making a woman pregnant takes only minutes of their time. All this is not a bad thing at all, because it allowed the enormous complexity and beauty of the living world to unfold. The female principle - limitation - is a necessary ingredient for life to be able to evolve. But we have to understand now that our desires are always directing our behavior in a way which leads to reproduction. Every single thing we do during the day is evaluated whether it might lead to some more good offspring (or not) and we are given (or not given) a good feeling accordingly. This means that in our brain, the whole world has to be translated into something like a „language of sex“. In fact our subconscious is deeply sexual in nature. Evil behavior is ultimately the result of sexual frustration. Men seek power over others because they want to get control over women (or seduce them or acquire the resources to buy them). A very powerful man once proudly declared that he can „grab any woman by the pussy“. Obviously this was the reason why he wanted to become so powerful (and, if you are tempted to laugh about him now, the same reason why you, if you are a man, want to be powerful/respected/rich!). Wars are the result of our unconscious desire to reduce male competition over the rare females and to get access to new pools of females (men say that they want „land“ or spread the „truth“ but the truth is, they want the women which live on it or at least some resource which can be converted into women). Men love to kill men just because they are men, as we can easily see from the enormous popularity of war themed computer games among young men (women don’t care much about them).
Sexually fully satisfied men would show much less behavior which is damaging for society. For example they would not need to waste resources on their own expensive car and most likely not start wars. Women’s preference for powerful men is a result of the competition of men: If women could be sure that they can raise their children in safety without the protection of a rich/powerful man, they would choose by other criteria.
Unfortunately there are factors which can severely limit the satisfaction we get from having sex: We are unconsciously trying to hide our sexual strategies from our partners, because we fear he or she might identify them (correctly) as „evil“ and reject us. This mechanism is called „shame“ and - as we all know - very common. Note that, due to the fact that our outdated instincts don‘t know about contraception, also behavior is affected which most people consider harmless today. We have seen that for instance the „blowjob“ (and very similarly anal sex) are in fact ancient „evil“ strategies which were used in the past by women to „cheat“ men, typically in a prostitution situation. Prostitution was even much more common in our distant past than it is now. Women have, over millions of years, developed unconscious techniques for having sex with less attractive males in exchange for resources (like food) but avoiding getting pregnant from them. This also explains the male obsession with these practices (they were essential strategies of successful female offspring they want to produce) as well as why men often despise women who offer them (i.e. calling them „sluts“, „whores“ etc.) and avoid them for serious relationships, where they intend to care for the offspring. Men unconsciously try to produce successful and therefore „evil“ offspring (by having sex with women who behave like prostitutes or are actually prostitutes) but are on the other hand unconsciously scared to become a victim of the same evil in the case of their wives. Becoming a victim means in the example of oral sex that their sperm is killed in the woman’s stomach instead of getting a chance to impregnate. This results in the split „saint or whore“ view of women which is very damaging for relationships. Men are disappointed from both their wife and their prostitutes. The former they despise, because they sense the „whore“ in her, the latter they hate because she want’s money for her services. The sex with both is bad.
Men have to learn to love and embrace both aspects of women. They seek both of them equally and they are also both present in every woman.
We see that there are severe contradictions in our behavior which make it often difficult for us to enjoy satisfying sex. We have to become conscious about all this, as oral sex is just one example out of many other contradictions. Men for instance have to learn to truly love women in spite of them giving oral sex. If a women feels this love, she will be more than willing to reveal her true nature (yes, fortunately there is a hidden „whore“ in every woman) and give him happily what he enjoys. If men start to truly embrace the „whore“ aspect in the women they love, they will find an erotic paradise.
Of course this is also true in the other direction: women can learn to embrace the „rapist“ (for instance) in men and resolve the famous „caring, but boring family man“ or „attractive bad guy“ dilemma (men can in fact be „bad attractive caring family men“!). We have to accept that the famous feminist statement „every man is a potential rapist“ is simply true. Yes, there is a hidden rapist in most men (even it they have never raped a woman and never will) and it can be enjoyed by inclined women.
This, applied to many more of the so called „perversions“, will lead to a much higher level of sexual satisfaction. Then both sexes can reveal the full spectrum of their sexuality in sexual play. Note that this does not have to lead necessarily to a spectacular, kinky sex life. Lovers can also reveal themselves with only subtle hints which can be highly erotic nonetheless.
This will also deepen the feelings the partners have for each other. Love is only real when you love a person for what he or she truly is. This can be felt by your partner and this love will be returned. And it will eliminate many of the fears, anger, wrong expectations and disappointment partners often feel for each other today.
The sexes are not „designed“ with the purpose of making each other happy. But if they become aware of this, surprisingly happiness is possible.
Shame does not stop us from doing evil (contrary to popular belief). Rather the contrary is true: its purpose (in the sense of the reason why it could evolve) is to hide our noncooperative strategies and weaknesses from others.